At-One-Ment

The word, atonement, is not one that I ever wanted to have in my vocabulary. It always brought to mind thoughts of nasty paybacks, punitive justice, harsh karma, penance and repentence. When I thought of atonement, I'd envision Christ suffering on the cross atoning for our sins. Not something I wanted to focus on.

After today, I no longer feel the same way about this word or the concept in general. The thought of redemption through atonement is now something I might even look forward to if it is needed, because I finally got the courage to stand in it, be with it and look it in the eye and see it for what it really is. For on the other side of making amends, humility and surrender (to my own soul) was not a brutal punishment or a defeating humiliation, but a chance to be as one...to be at one...with someone I dearly love... and with myself...and with the world. Atonement gave me the chance for reunion, reconciliation and a measure of closeness and intimacy that I might not have otherwise experienced... A gleaming jewel in the muck.

a·tone·ment /əˈtoʊnmənt/
–noun
1. satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends.
2. the doctrine concerning the reconciliation of God and humankind, esp. as accomplished through the life, suffering, and death of Christ.
3. the experience of humankind's unity with God exemplified by Jesus Christ.
4. reconciliation; agreement.

I found out that when you walk INTO the pain of what you are experiencing, that it may be a mixed bag, but there is treasure in the dark inner place. This religious language that evokes images of self-flagellation and suffering, "atonement" is not a word I thought I'd come to admire. But after I went with it, went into it and saw that what I had judged in another, what had wounded my psyche was EXACTLY something I had done myself. I experienced that the perpetrator and the victim are one.

In the process of reverse engineering my thoughts and not ignoring my feelings, talking openly, praying, meditating and asking for guidance all was revealed. The truth was just there, exposed and vulnerable, but free of anything unclean, no dirty, heavy energy. It just floated up into conscious thought. And it was in that moment that we became as one.

I have always said that we are each other's own personal Jesus Christ. We are each other's saviors and we are saving each other from ourselves. We do this by reflecting back the worst and the best of each other. Sometimes, oh boy....that can be pretty hard to take. In fact, when you do not love yourself, to have your "faults"so clearly highlights is excrutiating.

In the past, when my love for myself was not so apparent to me, I would run. Not physically, necessarily, but emotionally I would curl up into a tight little ball. Oh, on the outside would be what I now call the death smile...the smile that hides a cracking heart. And it is true...the mere act of smiling has a powerful effect on human physiology. A smile can hide alot of sorrow, and sometimes it can make things OK. But sometimes not. And if this becomes one of your coverups for an addiction to running away, you've just done the physical equivalent of putting a smiley face sticker on your gas tank. Because now it's all covered up in goodness and we are just surviving the lie. And it will take a great deal of pain to crack through that exterior.

I want you to know that there is great power in walking into the darkness and remaining vulnerable. It takes great courage and great love to do so. Through the power of true love...true love for myself....for another...for my fellow man I have vowed to wipe that stupid smile off my face and let the real me come forward. The truth does not need to be edited by my smiling face. The truth is the substance of life. And when it is clean and clear to inform our life this is the way to true intimacy - in to me see - and atonement - at-one-ment.

We are all one, at the level of spirit....at the level of the mass consciousness..but we are also individuated on this physical plane. Never forget either of these things, because they are inextricably linked to being with wholeness and providing the powers of compassion and forgiveness needed to forge eternal bonds of love. This after all is why we are here...to love...to be with love...to be in love...to express and create our love in a million points of light, with others, with ourself and with all. I honor all my relations. Even the ones that hurt sometimes. All is one.

Aho

The Spider & The Ant

Anger, grief, sadness: what a concoction of emotions. What good comes of feeling these things? At first glance these emotions seem like the biggest waste of time. We can't wait to move out of those spaces and into smiles and feeling good.

I know that there isn't anything wrong with wanting to feel good and be at peace. But I'm starting to get a sense of something unseen here. Something unseen in my anger, my grief, my sadness. What is it? I think it's motion, movement. Yes, that's it. I'm starting to see that I had to go down into the lower world, because I couldn't raise the vibration on my own. I'm rebounding with it. I'm like a rubber ball being thrown to the bottom of a black pit and the minute I hit bottom, is when I start my upward ascent. Boing!

So being the intensely curious person that I am, I am really wanting to know why this process occurs. Why do I have to experience this pain? Why do I need the rebound process? Is that just the way it is? Is there a better way to be moved to action? When do you let go and when do you hang on?

I guess you have to take it case by case, situation by situation, moment by moment. And another thing I've noticed is that if I haven't been doing good maintenance on the crap in my life, boy does it sneak up and bite me.

So back to anger and grief and sadness. Boy do these feelings suck. I am so agitated right now I could cry. Aha...clue... number one. Cry!!!! Yes, so mad I could cry. Body trying to move it out of my system. And here I've been blocking that process. Dammit! Why did I do that? Now I'm mad that I blocked the crying!!! Yeash, I'm going to be here a while I can see that.

I'm just going to go into automatic writing mode. Bear with me. Anger moves me to take action. My soul is trying to tell me that something is not right. I am not being congruent. These lies that lay before me are what they are, but they are something more. They are reminders of my lies. My lies to myself. My penchant for running, for denial. I can be such a scared little doe, which makes me want to roar like a lion. Yes, roar.

When I am afraid, I run. I am getting so much better at this. And I don't run away from everything, but I do run still from some things. I know. My soul is trying to get me unblocked. I need to get this horrendous marriage dissolved. I need to break this contract. Contracts weigh on me and they steal my energy when the other party blocks me, disrespects me, tries to control me.

Aha, just got an aha moment. Last week I was mercifully released from a business contract with some people that I found impossible to work with effectively. Outer ego suffered for about 2 seconds, but mostly it was such a profound relief to be free of this mismatch. Earlier that day the beautiful spider web I am monitoring on my walks with my dog had a bit of drama which I now see foreshadowed this event and continues to do so.

I happened to be watching when the spider came out of her little cave at the center of the web and snagged a big juicy ant. I watched her work and it was quite impressive. But then, she lost her grip and the ant fell right to the ground. I felt instant dismay, not just because she had lost her kill, but because I knew the ant was already mostly dead. As I write this now I realize that this was an omen of what had been brewing for me. And so even though loss of any sort can be uncomfortable, it is a stage which we must pass through in order to regain our energy. BECAUSE WHAT WE ARE USUALLY LOSING DOES NOT SERVE OUR SOUL PURPOSE!

No big shock here for me. What I am losing not only doesn't support my soul purpose, it actually can't sustain my life or the life of those I love and my family. In reality this type of loss is a gain. A gain of freedom. Oh Butterfly Maiden here I come. In February our Goddess Circle is using the archetype of Butterfly Maiden. She is all about transformation. So I guess I am in the chrysalis right now. Perhaps this is the emergence of something pretty special.

Let it go, let it go, let it go. Do what is right, but get your energy hooks out of it and get it's energy hooks out of me. Surrender doesn't mean you do nothing. It means you just do what is right for you, what will put you back in congruency with your conscience. Your surrender is to your soul and your higher self. That might mean taking someone to court or filing for divorce or it might mean an apology or forgiveness is in order....or all of the above! The point is that any of that can be done from a place of love, not hate. And I'm seeing if you have to USE anger to get yourself moving, then you aren't loving yourself. Because most anger directed at other people, is only mirroring the anger that you feel for yourself.

I'm reclaiming my energy. I withdraw my energy tentacles, my atomic thought particles are coming back to me, my soul sparks are mine. And I release this to my higher self. She always has the right answer.