Reality Check
--My husband has NEVER been faithful to me throughout the entirety of our marriage.
--There has been absolutely no talk, no action, and no intention on his part to rectify this to date.
--He has never connected intimately with me (his wife). All of it has been pantomime.
--He has never made love to me. (The closest we came to a spiritual connection was over the phone before we were married). Any attempt I made to make love was met with a void.
--He conducted “love” affairs with multiple women throughout the course of our marriage, in addition to other sexual addictive processes with phone sex, pornography, etc. and continues to do so.
--He has consistently lied to me throughout our entire relationship and continues to do so.
--He has revealed very little of his true self. We barely know him, except for his torturous dichotomies of wanting to be a good father, yet being truly unable to do what is really necessary to be that for the long haul.
--He goes into denial and believes that he can be a good father and a protector from a distance. This is simply not possible. The mere act of not being present and available preempts this even if intentions are good.
--He makes sure that his “needs” which mostly stem from his addictions or cleaning up after them are taken care of before the needs of his family and spouse.
--He left our marriage and his family abruptly and without warning 2 years ago.
--He continues with the affair that prompted this leaving.
--When I asked him to leave, he did leave and did seek SLA, however, he continued using this romantic relationship and continues to do so.
--He engages in fairy tale romances with other women and continues to do so.
--He was deployed overseas for 14 months. During that time period I am in full knowledge that he could have communicated with us more than he did, but that his priority was to maintain communication with his lover. We received less than a handful of phone calls during the entire 14 months. I now know that he had a cell phone and yet he did not reveal to me that he had a cell phone, nor supply me with the number.
--When he took leave he spent 2 days out of 14 with his child and family and the remainder with his girlfriend. He lied about this.
--He continues with an affair with another female member of the military and even poses her as his wife. He continues with this affair knowing it could cost him his military career and hers as well.
--God only knows what deceptions he perpetrates upon her.
--He chooses to be a flagrant adulterer and a breaker of both the secular and sacred laws of marriage.
--He refuses to put the good of the whole before his own “needs”.
--His needs are most often related to his addictions and his need to foster distance and space and maintain control over the level of intimacy.
--He has betrayed us all and continues to do so unfettered.
--He has not admitted to this, nor openly worked to make amends.
--He refuses to deal with any of this on any terms but his own.
--He denies the needs of others in the family.
--He seems to expect mercy, yet finds it difficult to give.
--I would like to ask him to leave. I cannot enable his behavior.
--I do not want to divorce him, yet he leaves me no alternative.
--If I stay or rather allow him to, I enable his behavior.
--He hurts me and he hurts my children.
--His behavior is destructive to me and his lack of respect is an attack on my soul and my energy field. It affects me physically, as well.
--It is outside of my belief and integrity system to be a party to an open marriage.
--The only way that I will not divorce him is if he meets all of the conditions of the betrayal bond recovery scenario.
--Otherwise he is dangerous to this family, because he is dangerous to me.
--He has triggered a betrayal bond response in me which is very dangerous to us all.I have attained enough recovery to be able to recognize this within myself even though it is a struggle. I cannot allow him to undo my recovery work.
--I am the only adult here that is well enough to be responsible for this family.
--His support at this juncture is strictly on his terms.
--When he does give support it is excellent, just not consistent.
--It is my responsibility to protect myself and to protect my children.
--I cannot let him drag me and consequently them down.
--I do not accept responsibility for his actions.
--He links up with other people who are mentally and emotionally disturbed and leaves this family vulnerable to potential negative consequences from them as a result of his bizarre interaction in their own damaged lives.
--His erratic behavior causes our family pain and difficulty.
--I cannot allow this to continue to happen.
--I will not stand by and allow this dysfunction to continue
--I love my husband very much.
--I love my children very much
--I love myself, as well.
--This is not about love.
--This is about safety and well-being.
--My children come first.
--I must protect my family.
--I must protect my family.
--I must protect my family.
--It will hurt my daughter for her father to be away, but he is killing us all slowly.
It is the lesser of the evils.
--And even though he is part of this family, he is what is hurting this family.
--His choices have and are hurting us.
--If he will not stop and abide by the rules, he must be banished.
--He must be monogamous.
--He must stop lying.
--He must break with denial about his behaviors and choices.
--He must be actively working his personal recovery, the recovery of this family and the recovery of this marriage.
--Actions speak now.
--These are the conditions.
--I am strong.
--I can draw this boundary.
--It is done.
--So be it.
--And so it is.
--Amen.
